New Orleans, Louisiana
April 6th 2014
20 MAN BATTLE ROYAL
I would book the pre-show as a 20 man over the top rope battle royal for the #1 contender spot for the WWE Championship. Everyone that I couldn’t think of, plus Bray Wyatt who I couldn’t fit into my plans. Wyatt wins. As an aside, why doesn’t WWE do #1 contender’s matches anymore? It’s that stupid rematch clauses fault, I’m sure!
REY MYSTERIO vs. EL GENERICO (LUCHAS DE APUESTAS MATCH)
A mask versus mask match would be a great way to put these two in there.This opening match is one that will never happen outside my head, given that Rey hasn’t been seen in God knows how long (seriously, I cannot remember the last time Rey was in the ring) and that El Generico doesn’t exist anymore. This is a true lucha libre match and it would be something that people had never really seen before and one of the potential matches of the night. Fast paced and spot heavy, just the way Mexican’s like their professional wrestling. The perfect way to kick off WrestleMania XXX.
El Generico would win with the Yakuza Kick-Brainbuster combination to firmly establish himself as the new top luchadore in WWE.
KHARMA (c) vs. AJ LEE vs. PAIGE (TRIPLE THREAT ELIMINATION MATCH FOR THE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP)
The standard WrestleMania womens match of course, but one that personally I’d pay a lot of money to see. Kharma would return at Night of Champions as Stephanie McMahon’s surprise entrant in a Fatal Four Way match between AJ, Kaitlyn and Layla for the new Women’s Championship (I hate the Divas title) which she would absolutely dominate. Kharma would go on to become Steph’s enforcer, much in the same way that Chyna was the enforcer for the old Corporation. Paige would debut sometime around the TLC show and assert herself as the top face in the women’s division, while AJ is her usual crazy self.
The match is elimination, so the two smaller ladies work together to eliminate the monstrous Kharma, before battling it out between themselves. Paige wins by pinning AJ.
THE SHIELD (ROLLINS & REIGNS) (c) vs. THE KINGS OF WRESTLING vs. THE BRISCOE BROTHERS (TLC MATCH FOR THE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP)
Another match that could only happen in fantasy land. The Shield would have held the tag titles for almost a year at this point. The Kings of Wrestling would reform/debut at Hell In A Cell as CM Punk’s “backup” in a three man tag match against the full Shield unit, who Punk would be feuding with at that point and who would officially be the vanguard of the Corporation. The Briscoe’s would debut at Survivor Series and go on a tear of indiscriminate violence so you wouldn’t really know what to think of them at all.
This match has the potential to be the greatest TLC match in WWE history. All ROH fans reading this will know the caliber of both tag and ladder talent in this match. Afterall, the Kings and Brother’s have been involved in some of the most insane ladder matches ever seen. Plenty of WrestleMania moments for all six men. The Kings of Wrestling win after all three teams go through hell.
DEAN AMBROSE vs. CACTUS JACK (HARDCORE MATCH FOR THE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP)
This is also just one of those dream matches that can only happen in the realms of fantasy. Mick Foley is both over 50 years old and happily retired at this point. But I think it would be a great match for the show of shows. I see this as being the “breakout” moment for Ambrose; in the way that the hardcore matches with Mick were for HHH, Randy Orton and Edge.
The feud would be a pick up of an incident that occurred back when Ambrose was on NXT. The two had a confrontation back stage which would be bought up by Ambrose when Foley comes to do his standard “What’s going on newly turned heel guy?” promo at some point. It would kick off with a backstage confrontation and beat down, before Foley cuts something similar to his infamous Three Faces of Foley promo, where Foley tells Ambrose that he’s been forced to go to a very dark place, a place he thought he’d left buried long ago. Bang bang. Ambrose would eventually respond with a manic “It’s my time” promo before the Royal Rumble, which of course Cactus will eliminate Dean from.
The match itself would be a throwback to ECW and CZW. Insane chair and table spots, brutal moves, and even a bit of blood. Dean would eventually pick up the win by stealing Cactus’ double arm DDT. He hits the move onto a steel chair for the three count and the move becomes Ambrose’s finishing move. Ambrose lifts the US Championship high as blood rains down his face and a new star is born.
BROCK LESNAR vs. THE ROCK vs. RANDY ORTON
This is really just an excuse to get all three guys on the card. Orton eventually wins the match and then punts The Rock to a chorus of boos, setting up a match at SummerSlam between the two. Orton’s so much more interesting as a heel.
JOHN CENA vs. THE UNDERTAKER
This match would be billed as His Final Battle and it really would be ‘Taker’s last match. Cena adds so much mystery and tension to the match as you just know that he’s the one guy that WWE would give the Streak to at this point. In my personal opinion the last chance to really break the Streak in any meaningful way was thrown away at WrestleMania 24, against Edge. Though hindsight would reveal that would have been a horrible choice given Edge’s early enforced retirement from the ring. Of course the Undertaker gets the mother of all entrances, with pillars of fire, druids and even a real church organ churning out his ominous entrance music.
The Undertaker wins an epic battle with the Tombstone Piledriver to extend the Streak to 23-0 and the druids come down to escort the Deadman to the lowest pits of hell or wherever else ‘Taker hangs out.
DANIEL BRYAN (WWE CHAMPION) vs. CM PUNK (WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION) (RINGMASTER CHALLENGE MATCH FOR THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP)
Yup. This has the potential to be not only the greatest WrestleMania main event of all time, but also hands down the greatest professional wrestling match of all time. For those unfamiliar with the Ringmaster Challenge, it’s a two out of three falls match. The first fall is pinfall, the second is submission and the third is a 30 minute Iron Man match.
Going into this, CM Punk is the Royal Rumble winner and Bryan has been WWE Champion since Survivor Series, where he finally got his one on one rematch against Randy Orton. However to throw a spanner in the works, Punk would win the World Heavyweight Championship against Bray Wyatt at Elimination Chamber. Thinking about it, this match is the Corporation’s worst nightmare!
Punk would confront Bryan in the ring on Raw and propose the unification stipulation, before Bryan cuts an amazing promo about where both Punk and he have come from. Ring of Honor gets a full on mention on air, as well as NOAH and New Japan. The build would continue to emphasize just how important the match is in the history of professional wrestling and the fact that it’s so amazing that it’s Punk and Bryan in the match rather than John Cena or someone more corporate. You’d get the sense that it really is the birth of a new era in WWE.
This would get the full WrestleMania treatment. Jim Ross on commentary and a Bruce Buffer ring announcement. A curious thing to note is that neither Bryan nor Punk would be the heel in this match. It doesn’t really need it as both Bryan and Punk are ridiculously over superstars at this point. The match would be everything you’d expect. ROH handshake to start, counter after counter, extremely psychology heavy, bouts of vicious striking and Bryan’s trademark flurries, dueling chants and the customary Savage Elbow Drop to the commentary table.
Bryan would eventually win the match with the LeBell Lock in the Iron Man match (the only fall in that match) to unify the World Heavyweight and WWE Championship into the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, which (since this is my fantasy) would be represented by the Big Gold Belt. Punk and Bryan embrace in the ring in an eerie echo of WrestleMania XX and fireworks light the Louisiana sky as the Era of Honor begins.
Steven “Fozzy” Forrester